WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an earnest discussion with Joe Biden's pandemic response team, Dr. Fauci urged the nation to return to its roots and obey government orders without question as the founding fathers intended.
"Listen, it shouldn't be this difficult," said Dr. Fauci. "Americans are known as an obedient and subservient people, all the way back to the founding. We must urge our country to obey orders from unelected experts with complete trust just like Patrick Henry, George Washington, and John Adams did."
According to unelected experts, this pandemic is the greatest threat faced by mankind in the history of mankind -- even greater than the Black Death, the Third Reich, and microaggressions on college campuses.
"This is a wily and tricksey virus that seems to target family gatherings, joyful celebrations, and conservative activity while completely ignoring left-wing protestors," said Fauci. "We know because of science. And all our sciency science is too sciency for all you non-science people, so you just have to trust us."
According to very highly scientific studies from scientific scientists, Americans are evenly divided between people who think the government should be obeyed without question and people who are murderous psychopaths.
"There's really no middle ground on this," said Fauci.