MENLO PARK, CA—Exciting new technology developed by Facebook will react to news stories for you.
Every time a news story comes across your Facebook feed, the company's almighty algorithm will determine how you should feel about the news and tell you how you react. The company developed the technology when they noticed that many people were reacting the wrong way to news stories, choosing a laughing emoji when they were supposed to be mad or selecting a "love" emoji when they should have been totally outraged.
"For instance," said one developer, "if we tell you that the president is building a wall, we'll just go ahead and provide the angry reaction for you---no thinking necessary. This should improve your Facebook browsing time so you can spend more time scrolling through your feed and viewing ads for really bizarre products so we can get paid."
"We noticed that with news stories about Ukraine, for instance, a news site would post that Trump negotiated with another foreign power, and nobody was really getting mad about it," the developer continued. "They were just like, 'So? That's it?' and that's not the reaction we want."
Other companies are looking into this technology, with Twitter suggesting it could roll out a program that automatically replies to problematic tweets with phrases like "This ain't it, chief" and "Delete this."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.