NEW YORK, NY—Experts are encouraging everyone to get their kids vaccinated, and are predicting dire consequences if this is not done. According to several top scientists, Pfizer executives won't meet their sales goals if you don't vaccinate your 5 to 11-year-old.
"This would be absolutely catastrophic for struggling Pfizer execs," said Dr. Wexner, an expert. "Not vaccinating your kindergartener could jeopardize their ability to make their Porsche payments, pay off their mistresses, or remain platinum members at their golf clubs. We just can't let that happen."
Experts say that while COVID poses almost zero risk to children, and the vaccine poses a small chance of making children die, the consequences of not vaccinating kids would be far worse, as drug company execs may have to dip into savings to buy a hooker. Even worse, economists warn that not vaccinating kids could cause drug company stock to dip one or two points, affecting millions of portfolios slightly.
"The science has spoken," said Wexner. "We can't afford for you to not do this. Please, do it for our Q4 sales numbers, er... I mean, do it for the kids."
In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.