U.S. — A group of sports science experts have ruled that a game cannot be classified as a sport if it is possible to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes while playing.
Further, the group ruled that if a person could play a game at a championship level while consuming an entire handle of whiskey, that would also preclude it from being considered a sport.
"If you can play the game at a very high level while drunk and chain smoking, it's just not a sport," said lead scientist Dr. Gregory Fenster. "We could still possibly consider participants to be athletes if they could play while knocking out a single Marlboro, or maybe one beer. But if you don't even have to stop playing while you blaze through a whole pack of cigarettes and guzzle liquor, we simply cannot call it a real sport."
In order to conduct their research, the team had athletes attempt to play various games while steadily increasing their tobacco and alcohol intake. "A few shots of vodka and loosies in, they were tapping out," explained Dr. Fenster. "Couldn't keep playing ball, hockey, football. Now golf, on the other hand, they were still crushing. Oh, and tossing bean bags. They still could manage the bean bags."
At publishing time, the committee had also ruled that a game could not be considered a sport if a person could win a professional championship while being 300 pounds overweight.
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