BOSTON,MA — A recent meta-analysis by researchers at the National Traffic Safety Institute revealed that no one in the world is capable of safely texting and driving except for you.
"Congratulations. You are, in fact, the only one who can stare directly at your phone while flawlessly steering a two-ton vehicle hurtling seventy miles per hour," said Lead Researcher Randall Carson. "No one else can do it without being totally reckless, but our data show you are special. So, go for it."
After countless hours of research, experts determined that you are not like all the other clowns on the road who are going to kill someone if they keep this up. "You are the only one on earth who knows how to do it responsibly," said Carson. "Everyone else is morally repugnant and will commit vehicular manslaughter any day now. You, however, are awesome. Keep it up!"
At publishing time, another study had found you are also the only person in the world who doesn't need to check their blindspot when merging, so come on over, bud.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
