Do you stay active to maintain your physical fitness? If so, it's a foregone conclusion that you're a far-right extremist, whether you knew it or not. In fact, exercise isn't the only dangerous right-wing health conspiracy invading American life.
The Babylon Bee is here to perform a public service by warning you about exercise and 10 other dangerous far-right health conspiracies to watch out for:
- Drinking water: Why hydrate with the liquid God made when you can fill yourself up with beverages made from ingredients you can't pronounce?
- Getting sunlight: Whatever you do, for the love of all that's holy, don't leave your house. Stay inside and binge-watch some predictive programming.
- Eating meat that wasn't 3D-printed: Do you hate animals and the earth so much that you have to eat real meat, you bloodthirsty savage?
- Not having drunken sex with 300 different people you randomly met at a club each year: Living a decent, monogamous lifestyle and raising a family is no way to go through life.
- Bathing: Every time you bathe, you contribute to water scarcity and climate change. Horrible.
- Improving mental health by laughing at inaccurate conservative memes: Only fill your brain with disinformation from reliable mainstream media sources.
- Spending time with dear friends and having deep conversations late into the night over cigars: The only physician-approved treatment for loneliness is an antidepressant.
- Procreation to preserve the human race: You know who else promoted having children? Hitler.
- Lifting weights: The only reason to become physically stronger is to oppress minorities.
- Keeping the genitals you were born with: Everyone must transition at least once if they don't want to be branded an oppressor.
If you want to keep yourself from being a dangerous far-right extremist, do whatever you can to avoid engaging in the activities listed above at all costs. Remember, an unhealthy society is a compliant society.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.