KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy denied claims by President Trump that Starlink service had been restored in Ukraine, even going so far as to say their service had been downgraded by Elon Musk to Netscape Navigator with a dial-up connection.
All Ukraine computers are reportedly stuck on dial-up, and drones don't work because there's no WiFi. This has severely limited Ukraine's ability to conduct military operations and go on raids in World of WarCraft.
"It's not even 56k, it's a 14.4 modem we have to work with," Zelenskyy said. "I can't even play StarCraft. Not that I'm trying to. But the buffering is ridiculous."
Worse yet, a dial-up connection requires a phone line. Any time his mom calls, Zelenskyy is knocked off the Internet.
"Mom, I was looking at Google Maps!" he said on one such occasion. "You're diminishing the war effort!"
A solution may not be coming soon, however, as Trump insists Zelenskyy is making the whole thing up. "Netscape Navigator is dead," Trump said. "Besides, I'd give them a Juno subscription. You know you get ten hours a month for free? It's a great deal, Juno. No one liked Netscape even when it was active. They called it Deathscape because using it was just death. Juno is the way to go. Named a movie after it. Ellen Page was in it. Wow. Ellen Page. What ever happened to her? She was great."
At publishing time, Elon Musk had confirmed Ukraine still has a valid Starlink connection and suggested Ukraine unplug their router and plug it back in.
Tucker Carlson is just asking questions about World War 2. Why was it even fought? Was Hitler really such a bad guy? And why did Churchill never denounce the trans agenda?
