Finance
Economic Crisis Averted As Mike Bloomberg Vows To Give $1 Million To Every American

NEW YORK, NY—The looming economic crisis has been averted. While many were calling for the government to solve the problem, billionaire Mike Bloomberg stepped in to give every American $1 million.

Bloomberg reportedly got the idea while watching MSNBC and learning that he could give every American $1 million and have "lunch money" left over. Since he spent $500 million on ads, and there are over 327 million Americans, each American can get $1 million from Bloomberg, and he can still live comfortably as a very rich man.

The math checks out, and Bloomberg jumped on the idea right away. He ordered his servant to tell his servant's servants to start making a check out to every man, woman, and child in the nation.

"Shoot, why didn't I think to do that back when I was running for president?" he muttered. "If I'd just promised a million bucks to each American, I'd have won for sure. Instead, I just ran all those dumb ads."

When news of the giveaway broke, the stock markets instantly shot back up to their previous record highs, and Bloomberg's approval numbers also rose. He's even considering jumping back into the presidential race now that he's not widely hated as he was before, according to sources.

"I'm just doing my small part for the nation," he said.


A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.