EAST PALESTINE, OH — A little more than one year after the tragic train derailment and chemical explosion in East Palestine Ohio, the town's residents were forced to witness yet another catastrophic train wreck. Authorities are currently on the scene assessing the damage.
"It's great to be here in North Philistine," said Biden to a small crowd of gathered fake supporters. "I'm sorry for your loss. I understand how it feels. I lost my son in a train derailment. Not a joke."
"I haven't seen a disaster like this since the last disaster," said East Palestine's Mayor. "I thought when a train spilled toxic chemicals into our water and air and threw a fiery plume of smoke into the sky, I had seen the worst thing to ever happen here. Sadly, I was wrong."
At publishing time, the President had passed around a collection plate to the locals to raise money for Ukraine.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
