USA — Early exit polls in the 2024 presidential election show surprise write-in candidate Peanut the Squirrel with a commanding lead over the other two leading candidates.
Polling for the small rodent skyrocketed after the critter was executed by New York City animal control this past week. Videos of Peanut's many skills vaulted his popularity among voters from all walks of life and prompted a surge in his polling.
"I love that little guy," voter Chris Tucker told an exit poll worker. "Looking at both the other candidates, it became clear to me that Peanut best represents my values and I'd love to have a guy like him in the Whitehouse…if he was still alive."
Authorities forcefully removed Peanut from his home last week after an anonymous tipster complained about alleged violations of New York City domestic animal laws. Peanut was then euthanized in order to perform an autopsy to check for rabies.
"We believe this squirrel is a menace to the city." NYC Animal Control Agent Dirk Gendler told the press. "The streets of New York are much safer with him gone. Criminals can now roam free without fear of seeing a trained squirrel performing tricks."
At publishing time, exit polls also showed Peanut's raccoon friend Fred coming in ahead of both Kamala and Trump, an upset many say could have been predicted judging by how cute the photos of the animals are.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
