MEMPHIS, TN — Local internal medicine doctor Timothy Raines has found incredible success treating depression by simply prescribing one pack of cigs and a Coors Banquet tallboy.
After seeing mixed results prescribing SSRIs, SNRIs, and cognitive behavioral therapy, Dr. Raines reported that his depressed patients achieved remarkable, immediate improvement by lighting up some Marlboros and enjoying the unique refreshment that only comes with sipping on the Banquet Beer.
"Look, Mr. Barnes, I know you're in a dark place. I know you aren't able to enjoy the things you've always loved, and right now it feels like there's no hope. But, there is," said Dr. Raines, patting his patient on the shoulder. "One pack of Marlboro reds and a Banquet tallboy... you'll be right as rain. The clouds will part, the weight will leave your chest, and you'll feel a smile creep onto your lips. Just take this prescription down the street to the Shell station on the corner."
At publishing time, Mr. Barnes had been seen laughing with joy as he played with his grandkids at the park, up until his daughter told him to stop smoking cigarettes and drinking beer around the kids.
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