Politics
Democrats Vow To Follow The Science Of Whichever Union Donates The Most Money

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since opening his presidential campaign, Joe Biden has pledged to strictly follow the guidance of the nation’s scientists to deal with the coronavirus pandemic. Press Secretary Jen Psaki reported that today, President Biden sat down with the top experts in the world to figure out which unions have the most money, and then unapologetically follow the science of those unions.

“What people don’t understand about science is that a lot of it has to do with how much money you make, and how many votes you control,” explained Jen Psaki. “The scientific method is an objective way to find the truth. We simply hypothesize how much money a union will give us, and then see how much they actually do. Then we repeat the experiment.”

“The results are fascinating. Grocery stores, for example, are safe from COVID because cashiers don’t make much money and aren’t politically organized. But the virus is extremely dangerous to schools in blue states where the teacher's unions are compulsory and run so well. Science is amazing!”

Reporters asked what the administration would say to parents who see teachers not following the CDC recommendation to reopen schools. “We would say that first, parents are misunderstanding science. How many votes does the CDC get? And secondly, we would love for the parents to form a union and give us money. We can definitely circle back to their ‘science’ then.”

When asked about children suffering from being out of school, Psaki frowned. “You know, our top researchers have looked into that, and what we have found is that frankly, kids are broke. It’s really shocking how little money they have, and how selfish they are with it. Just not the demographic we’re targeting.”

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