WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference held in support of Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg yesterday, Democrats vowed to arrest as many political opponents as it would take to defeat fascism.
"Fascism is a clear and present danger in this country," began Senator Chuck Schumer, "and the only way to defeat it is with a corrupt, all-powerful police state that can imprison anyone who disagrees with us politically. If we don't do this, fascism will win."
"No one is above the law," agreed House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Using campaign funds improperly to pay off someone you slept with is the height of fascistic evil, and something no politician in Washington has ever done before. I've certainly never done anything like that. Don't be silly!"
Already, Democrat leaders are calling for the immediate arrests of dangerous fascists such as Trump, anyone who worked with him, and every American who ever expressed support for him. "These undesirables could implement horrible fascism at any time, so we need a final solution for them," said Schumer.
At those words, an enthusiastic crowd of anti-fascist warriors cheered and fired guns into the air.
At publishing time, former President Trump was still at large. Authorities have advised he is armed and extremely dangerous in addition to being fascist. Anyone caught collaborating with him will be subject to imprisonment.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
