WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the Vice President's widely criticized pre-taped interview with CNN, reports circulated that the Democrats were considering replacing Kamala Harris with the more coherent Joe Biden.
Harris's joint interview with running mate Tim Walz was met with poor reviews, with top Democratic officials citing Harris' inability to provide cogent answers or communicate like a person as reasons why the party should turn to the clarity and coherence of Joe Biden.
"It may be time to consider a more mentally fit candidate," said one high-ranking Democrat who asked to remain anonymous. "We gave Kamala the good ol' college try, but she just does not display the same mental capacity and clear communication skills as Joe Biden. We need a candidate who can speak better and answer simple questions from time to time. It's obvious that Biden fits that bill better than Kamala."
Voters who were questioned following Harris's interview agreed. "A president should be able to speak clearly, like, with words that make sense and follow logically from the previous words to form a string of words to communicate an actual thought," said concerned citizen Dean Stark. "The Democratic Party cannot go into such a pivotal election with a candidate who can't even do that. The person we have running for president right now has trouble finishing sentences without making up words and spouting gibberish. That's why we need Joe Biden."
At publishing time, insiders revealed party leaders had already reached out to Biden's camp to gauge his interest in running for the office he already holds, though Biden was reportedly concerned that being president may take away from his full-time job vacationing on the beach.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
