WASHINGTON, D.C. — Five minutes after news broke that President Biden has been diagnosed with COVID, Democrat party leaders were forced to make the difficult decision to place Biden on hospice care.
"We just want Joe to be comfortable with the short time he has left," explained Senator Chuck Schumer. "We spent a long, hard thirty seconds deliberating over what to do, and we all agreed this is for the best."
President Biden reportedly resisted the idea of being placed on hospice, but Democrat leaders assured the doctors that he was demented and didn't know what he was saying. "It's what the real Joe would have wanted. Hahaha!" said Kamala Harris. "Poor guy, saying 'I'm not ready to die!' Haha! He's lost his mind. At last, he can be at peace."
At publishing time, Hillary Clinton was reportedly spotted asking the hospice caretakers if they needed any help moving things along.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
