GOSHEN, IN - Local dad Fred Mullers has contracted the stomach flu, which, similar to the common cold, is a death sentence for husbands and dads. Knowing he is on death's door, Mullers has written his last will and testament on the bathroom floor.
"I know not how much longer I have to live, dear family," said the pale Mullers to his weeping family. "If the Lord doth see fit to take me home, know that it is his will. Please follow the instructions I have written on the tile floor in Sharpie next to the toilet."
The will was written as follows:
"I, Fred, being of sound mind, do hereby bequeath all my earthly possessions to my dearest wife and darling children.
Please do not mourn me, for I am in the arms of angels being carried to the realms of glory. My suffering is great, for my wife did not hold a cool washcloth on my head while I threw up in the toilet. But my suffering will soon be at an end.
Take care of each other in my absence, with all the strength of familial love. I shall see thee in Beulah Land."
His last will completed, Mullers began to once again dry heave into the toilet with much travail.
Family members have gathered from all around to say goodbye and pay respects.
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!