LAKEWOOD, CO — In a solemn family meeting, local father Chandler Cooke gathered his wife and children into the living room to unveil the family's detailed, non-negotiable Lord of the Rings summer viewing schedule.
Sources later confirmed that the presentation included a PowerPoint slideshow titled One Summer to Rule Them All, as well as laminated copies of the schedule for each family member.
"Now, if everyone will look at the handouts — yes, front and back, single-spaced — you'll see we begin on June 3rd at 6:00 P.M. sharp with The Fellowship of the Ring," explained Cooke. "The extended edition, of course. We'll break at Rivendell for snacks, then resume promptly. No one is to ask how much time is left. Ever."
Family members later described the meeting as "unsettling but informative."
"Dad said if we miss Boromir's death scene because we ‘had to go to the bathroom', we'll carry that regret into adulthood," said 12-year-old son Caleb, who has already begun preemptively limiting his fluid intake. "I'm not taking any chances."
The schedule reportedly spans six weeks and includes behind-the-scenes featurettes, cast interviews, and a mandatory "Hobbit Meal Experience," in which the family must consume seven meals in a single day. "He's very passionate about this," said Cooke's wife, Linda. "At least this year he's built in a rest day between films for ‘emotional processing and light yard work.' It's a good improvement from last year's schedule."
At press time, Cooke had updated the schedule to include an all-day presentation on why Frodo could not ride the Great Eagles to Mount Doom.
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