Cuomo Assures Public He Always Kept Mask On While Sexually Harassing Women
Politics

ALBANY, NY—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo apologized this weekend for his long-standing habit of sexually abusing young women he holds power over. And while that all sounds quite bad, Governor Cuomo did make it clear to the public that he always wore a mask and socially distanced during these interactions-- a fact that has some folks saying he should get off scot-free. 

“I have the greatest respect for my employees,” Cuomo explained during a press conference. “Especially the girls—we’ve got a lot of young girls on staff who do a really good job.” Cuomo paused for a moment and seemed to wink at someone offscreen. “And I can guarantee you right now, sure- I might be a sexual predator, but not once did I remove my mask, never once broke the six-foot rule during conversations with my girls-- at least in 2020. Isn’t that right, Kelly?”

Cuomo went on to explain how some of his sexual jokes may not have landed with the women since they couldn’t see his facial expressions. He also claimed that the women may have misheard him since his words were muffled by his mask and they were standing so far apart. 

“Do I regret making those comments?” Cuomo asked as he stood up to leave the press conference. “No. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some strip poker, er-- I mean poker, to play.”

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