U.S. — Patriotic Americans coast to coast raised a collective cheer today after hearing news that conservatism itself had been saved as a Muslim sex trafficker had been safely and triumphantly brought back to the U.S.
Crowds of jubilant citizens poured out into the streets in celebration with historians predicting a new dawning of hope that the great American experiment would live on after it was made official that outspoken entrepreneurial pornographers Andrew and Tristan Tate were on their way back to the United States after being held under house arrest in Romania on human trafficking charges.
"This is a clear sign that America has a bright future," said the Tate brothers' attorney Joseph McBride. "It was only 248 years ago that our forefathers dreamed of a new nation — a nation of freedom, opportunity, and child sex trafficking. We're seeing the preservation of that dream here today. Andrew and Tristan return to America not defeated by what they've gone through, but just as reprehensible as they were before. They are the embodiment of the American spirit. And everything you don't want your children to grow up to be."
President Donald Trump provided a brief statement on the Tate brothers' return. "We've done what most thought couldn't be done. Or maybe shouldn't be done," he told reporters. "This Andrew Tate guy. I hear he's got a lot of women. That's what I've heard. Not so sure how he got all of them. Maybe it hasn't always been great. Who knows. But I brought him back. Now he's free to do whatever he was doing, but he'll do it for America."
At publishing time, conservative Andrew and Tristan Tate were rumored to already be under consideration for key roles in the Trump administration, most likely in the area of international trade and commerce.
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