WASHINGTON, D.C. — The world waited anxiously to finally learn more about one of the most widely talked-about conspiracies in recent history, as the U.S. Congress invited Ghislaine Maxwell to come testify under a dangling grand piano.
The former confidant and right-hand woman of deceased billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, Maxwell was invited by lawmakers to come clean and tell everything she knows about allegations of Epstein running a global sex trafficking operation, giving her a prominent seat in front of a microphone and right underneath a precariously hanging piano.
"We'd love Ms. Maxwell to sit exactly right there and tell us what she knows," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "It's important for the world to find out as much information about the things Epstein was involved in. It's equally as important that Ms. Maxwell be seated underneath that grand piano that's dangling by a suspiciously frayed rope. Just a little over to the left... that's perfect."
Sources on Capitol Hill revealed that legislators had put a lot of effort into preparing the room for Maxwell's arrival, including having the piano hung from the vaulted ceiling and constructing a special perch where one member of Congress could sit with the official congressional handsaw, which they said was standard for all hearings. "There's always someone designated to hold the saw," one insider said. "It's more of a ceremonial thing, and not at all meant to be used to cut through the rope holding the grand piano hanging above someone sitting underneath it."
At publishing time, congressional sources said there wasn't anything out of the ordinary about having Senator Dick Durbin sitting in the balcony with a blowgun and poison darts.
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