U.S. - Air marshals have reported a disturbing rise in the number of people starting conversations with each other on airplanes now that masks are no longer required. Passengers are reportedly being friendly and engaging in uncomfortable small talk, similar to the way they did long ago.
"I have never been more terrified to fly," said Douglas Neeson, a veteran air marshal who carries a gun. "I'm an introvert! I don't like awkward conversations!"
Flight attendants have also expressed concern with the surge in conversations. "I was happy to take my mask off, but passengers are so annoying," said United Airlines Flight Attendant Simone Whales. "During COVID the cabin was like a silent tomb flying through the air - I miss it."
According to sources, in-flight conversations range from awkward small talk to corporate business deals and complex debates about the doctrine of Original Sin. People are friendly now, but experts are concerned that allowing public discourse to continue could cause planes to start falling from the sky.
"I don't know," said FAA Administrator Frank Cabin. "No one really knows the consequences of unfettered conversation between people on aircraft. We've never studied this before."
The FAA has released new guidelines which discourage the fraternization of passengers but for unknown reasons, everyone is ignoring it.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
