Columbia University Students Reject A Two-Campus Solution
U.S. · Apr 22, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

NEW YORK, NY — With tensions on the rise and conflict between the two sides growing more hostile, analysts had little hope that an amicable result would be reached, as Columbia University students rejected a two-campus solution to the conflict.

Students continued to gather in large groups and chant threatening anti-Israel phrases as school leaders and other experts searched for potential ways to solve the crisis. A representative of the university's "Gaza Solidarity Encampment" said there would be no peaceful two-campus solution agreement.

"We will not tolerate the existence of Jewish people on campus," said Darren Polk on behalf of the protesting students inside the encampment. "People keep trying to come up with ‘peaceful ways' to end this conflict, but there's only one way we envision this coming to a conclusion, which is all the Jews being dead."

"Also, America. America should be dead too."

Leaders scheduled a summit to broker peace between the two sides but expressed doubt that talks would be fruitful. "It doesn't look promising," said one insider who was privy to the negotiations. "We thought the best option would be to offer both sides a ‘two-campus solution' to give them each a separate portion of a divided campus. Neither side has been open to the idea."

Witnesses said small skirmishes continued to erupt between the sides. "Over 200 bottle rockets were fired from the Gaza encampment over to the other side last night," said one source. "Reports indicate the perpetrators of the attacks were hiding behind smaller, more innocent students."

At publishing time, U2 frontman Bono was reportedly planning to visit the campus in an effort to broker a lasting peace.


Check out Hasbro's latest update to the classic board game "Guess Who?" - now with more genders, inclusion, and fun!* *Fun not guaranteed

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.