DENVER, CO — In a 4-3 decision, the Colorado Supreme Court will require Masterpiece Cakeshop owner Jack Phillips to bake a celebration cake honoring the Colorado Supreme Court's decision to remove Trump from the ballot.
"The cake must have the words 'Dump Trump' in giant red letters," said Justice Richard Gabriel in his opinion. "No wait — have it say DRUMPF! HA! Classic. And put some little rainbow flags and Palestinian flags all over it. It is the opinion of the court that failure to bake this cake for us constitutes illegal discrimination."
Justice Gabriel then banged his gavel loudly to make it official.
"Oh, and it should be chocolate. With buttercream frosting and sprinkles. It's the law now because I said it."
The court will give Phillips one week to comply with the ruling or be faced with a mob of Antifa activists throwing bricks outside his shop. "Please don't hurt me!" cried a shaking Jack Phillips. "And please spare my windows! I just replaced them after last week's mob!"
At publishing time, Jack Phillips' legal team had confirmed they would be appealing the decision.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
