VATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy.
Though videos circulating online have purportedly showed Pope Francis to be dead and lying in state at Saint Peter's Basilica, CNN stated these videos were "deepfakes" and part of a right-wing misinformation campaign.
"Claims of the Pope being dead are completely ridiculous. Francis has so much energy, we can barely keep up with him," said Kaitlan Collins. "These videos use deceptive editing and clever angles to make it appear that Pope Francis is dead and lying in a casket. Bad-faith actors are attempting to deceive people in order to push Francis out of power. Off-camera, Pope Francis continues to be as mentally fit as ever."
Despite CNN's assurances, polls show that the majority of the public still believe the Pope is dead. "I mean, he looks pretty dead," said local man Amando Buccio. "I know CNN says he's still really 'with it' off-camera, but on-camera it looks like a fairly straightforward dead guy. Hard to not believe my eyes on this one."
At publishing time, CNN had endorsed Pope Francis to continue leading the church for at least four more years.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
