LANDEN, OH—According to insiders at Front Street Lutheran Church, church leadership confirmed Monday that the congregation’s old, stale traditional hymns would finally be discarded due to their archaic nature.
The “boring” and “rote” liturgical selection of hymns is being replaced with exactly four modern worship songs that will be played in the same order every single Sunday, sources confirmed.
The four songs have been identified as “This Is Amazing Grace,” “What A Beautiful Name,” “Oceans,” and “Good, Good Father,” each of which will be played at the same time in the service and in the exact same arrangements, “unless the worship leader calls an audible and adds an extra bridge to spice things up.”
“We have to keep things fresh and mix it up once in a while,” Reverend Aaron Bernard told reporters. “You can’t expect the faith to connect with today’s audiences unless you can keep them guessing each Sunday. And that’s why we’ll be discarding the dull and predictable liturgy in favor of playing the same worship songs ad nauseam.”
At publishing time, the church had also decided to discard “boring” messages out of the Bible with the same three motivational points every sermon.