FRISCO, CO - Local Christian man Dave Hearth recently came across an interesting verse in the Bible: Philippians 3:20, which says that our citizenship is in heaven.

Confused, Hearth checked the cross-references and read that we are supposed to set our hearts on things above, not on earthly things in Colossians 3. In 2 Corinthians 5, Paul even had the "gall" to write that he "longs" to be clothed with his heavenly dwelling instead of his earthly tent.

"I just don't get it," Hearth told reporters. "I already live in the United States of America---what could the eternal state possibly hold for me?"

"I guess I can understand the Bible writer guys saying they long for heaven," he said. "They just lived in Israel, which is pretty nice, but it's not like it's God's chosen country or anything. I just don't feel these verses really apply to me."

Hearth pointed out that he already has baseball, Chevrolet, and guns, concluding that there's just nothing that eternal life with God could possibly provide him that he doesn't already have. He's now rescinded his eternal citizenship in the new heaven and new earth, saying "thanks but no thanks" to the offer to reside anywhere but the present-day US of A.

"For my citizenship is in America," he said. "I'm just passing through the Kingdom of God."