SACRAMENTO, CA — In an effort to simultaneously deal with the state's residents attempting to stage a mass exodus and capitalize on the popularity of fun group party activities, California unveiled a massive new escape room called "California."
While the Golden State took on an unofficial role of an escape room nearly a decade ago as progressive policies raised prices and pushed hard-working Americans to seek out greener pastures in Idaho, Texas, and Oklahoma, the state's leaders came up with the brilliant plan to generate much-needed revenue by monetizing everyone's desire to flee.
"You like escape rooms? How about an escape STATE?" said Governor Gavin Newsom at a press conference announcing the initiative. "Everyone has been swept up in the fun and excitement of the escape room craze, but we're taking it to a whole new level. Just imagine an escape room that encompasses nearly 164,000 square miles. We dare you to find a way out."
According to sources, Newsom's office was working closely with Caltrans to hide clues all over the state that they say will facilitate an exciting and thematic experience for Californians desperately trying to find better and safer places to raise their families.
Award-winning escape room designer José Corredor promised elaborate puzzles and intricate riddles that would have to be solved to successfully escape California. "Players will have a time limit of 10 years," he said. "Can you balance dwindling income and a will to live as you attempt to flee California? Escape… or die trying!"
At publishing time, California had received yet another influx of immigrants with experience in solving realistic Mexican and South American prison-themed escape rooms.
Meet Andy, a completely blind umpire whose life is about to change radically.
