ST. LOUIS, MO — In a natural continuation of its push for diversity and celebration of transgender lifestyles, Anheuser-Busch has announced the company will be replacing the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales with cows that identify as and dress like horses.
"We feel this is a natural next step," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brandan Whitworth. "If we're going to bend reality and ignore all basic understanding of science and biology with our Bud Light brand, then it only makes sense to make that philosophy consistent across our other brands, including the classic Budweiser advertising campaigns."
The beverage giant scoured the nation in search of dairy cows that live their lives as horses. "I was very excited to receive a phone call from the Budweiser marketing folks," said dairy farmer Ed Herman. "I just can't get this group of cows to produce any milk because they insist on pretending to be horses. I was ready to put down the whole lot of ‘em, but now they can actually make me some money with this ad campaign."
Budweiser marketing executives have mapped out an extensive campaign that will culminate in an emotionally stirring commercial during next year's Super Bowl broadcast. "We really want to tug on everyone's heartstrings," said the company's marketing spokesperson Katie MacDonell. "We're absolutely certain that everyone in the country will be excited to follow the journey these proud horses embark on to discover their true inner species."
At publishing time, Anheuser-Busch was reportedly also in discussions to replace the famous "Bud-Weis-Errrrrr" frogs with a group of gay frogs that were spoken about by conservative media personality Alex Jones.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
