ARLINGTON, VA — As aircraft malfunctions and incidents continued to make headlines, aerospace corporation Boeing blamed gravity for its recent string of mishaps.

With passengers growing more concerned about instances of airplanes losing their doors, wings, and landing gear in mid-flight, the aircraft manufacturing giant was quick to shift blame from their heavily criticized engineering and quality standards to the force that pulls objects of mass toward the center of the earth.

"Gravity is a real problem, and it deserves the blame here," said Boeing spokesman Jeff Harper. "No one would be talking about any of this stuff if gravity wasn't maliciously pulling all of these detached aircraft parts down to the ground with such force. Gravity should be ashamed of itself for causing all this damage and endangering the lives of people onboard the aircraft and on the ground. It's despicable."

As people living under frequent airline flight paths expressed fear that, at any moment, they could be crushed by a falling airplane wheel, Boeing maintains gravity would be at fault for such an incident. "Even if a wheel from one of our planes falls off, we're not the ones sending it hurtling down toward unsuspecting victims," Harper said. "If gravity would just stop, this could all be avoided. We here at Boeing join our colleagues in the aerospace industry in calling on gravity to end this. People's lives are at stake here, gravity. Knock it off."

At publishing time, Boeing released an amended statement saying any aircraft malfunctions resulting in fire hazards should be blamed solely on the existence of fire and the fact that it's so hot.

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