WASHINGTON, D.C. — Official sources from within the White House claim that President Biden has just decided to extend his sleep schedule from a mere eighteen hours to twenty-four hours a day in a measure intended to help him stay sharp and coherent as the leader of the free world.
While critics claim that the new development is a symptom of Biden's advancing age or mid-stage dementia, staffers close to Biden say that the decision is nothing more than an attempt to keep Biden as hale and hearty as possible all the time.
"President Biden has noticed that everything he does after sleeping for two or three days seems to go much better than anything he does after he's stayed awake for longer than thirty minutes," stated Gayle Burnett, head of Biden's personal care team. "So he's decided to double down on his sleep schedule, spending as many hours a day as he can in a deep, coma-like state and waking up every couple of weeks to deal with important affairs of state or family court cases. We get along just fine having Jill or Kamala deal with all the little things that pop up in between."
"This is really just a way for him to stay lean, mean, and keen — nothing else."
Unfortunately, the president refused to clarify anything on the topic apart from giving a few brief comments: "Honk…SHOOOOOO! Huh…hoooh…honkkk-shoooo."
At publishing time, the White House had further confirmed that the president listens to "24 Hours Of Soothing Mozart Brain Power For Your Sleeping Baby" on repeat as he sleeps in order to keep his mental game in top form.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
