WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's GDP has fallen over the last two quarters, stoking fears of a possible recession due to the fact that America is now in a recession. When asked whether the U.S. is now in a recession, Biden answered that he wasn't qualified to answer, as he doesn't have a biology degree.
"I don't know if we're in a recession, I'm not a biologist," said Biden to the bronze bust of Hugo Chávez in his office. "Leave that stuff to the experts, Jack! If you ask me, the economy should lose some weight, anyway. Too fat. We deserve this for being racist anyway. Come on, man!"
The White House quickly clarified Biden's statement, saying the U.S. is not in a terrible recession because the word "recession" has been redefined, as has the word "terrible."
"It should be noted that the word 'recession' is being used by extreme far-alt-right-right extreme extremists," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to reporters. "At best, the word 'recession' is a racist dog whistle. At worst, it's a cruel slur against a historically marginalized economy. We condemn anyone who would use this racist language."
At publishing time, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson couldn't confirm whether America is in a recession either, as she is also not a biologist.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
