WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden campaign has forced its candidate to wear an ankle monitor to make sure he doesn't escape the basement.
The order for Biden to wear the ankle monitor came down as he tested positive for dementia.
"Biden was really hurting our campaign by leaving the basement and saying things in public," said one aide. "Now we can make sure Joe Biden doesn't harm Joe Biden's campaign by being, you know, Joe Biden."
Any time Biden tries to climb up the stairs and talk to reporters or do a live-streamed campaign event, his handlers will be alerted. He tried to escape three times today already, according to sources.
"Alright, Joe, come on," said one aide as he found Joe crawling through the house rambling some nonsense about not wanting to run for president anymore and just wanting to retire in peace. "You know the drill. Back downstairs. Come on, boy."
At publishing time, Biden had gnawed through the ankle monitor, broken out a window, and dashed down the highway nude yelling, "BOOOONAANZAAAAA!!!"