WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief statement to reporters following the Super Tuesday contests, a victorious President Joe Biden congratulated his opponent on a hard-fought primary race.

"I'd like to thank this fella here," Biden said, gesturing to the empty void on his right. "He put up a strong fight. One of the toughest. He showed a lot of… a lot of… so much of the characteristics of the… so much of… all of those things. Even though I came out on top, I know I can count on him to keep fighting hard to help me get re-elected. He is a perfect example of all the folks who support me. Four years ago, I had millions and billions… hundreds of… millions of thousands of folks just like him who voted for me."

The president, who appeared on stage with his gracious opponent, offered a conciliatory handshake in a display of unity before wrapping up his remarks. "One more thing, folks," he said. "Don't believe the things you're seeing in the media about me losing a caucus in someplace called Samoa. It's just another wild MAGA conspiracy. You know they're grasping at straws when they start making up places called ‘Samoa.' What a bunch of malarkey. Anyway… end of speech. Walk away."

Reporters were quick to applaud Biden's willingness to come together with his former rival and bring the party together moving forward.

At publishing time, Biden had reportedly asked White House insiders if it would be possible to replace Kamala Harris with the man he just shook hands with on stage.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.