WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions rose in the White House today after President Joe Biden called an urgent meeting with top administration members. According to reports, the team convened in the White House Situation Room to have a leisurely discussion about the weather.
"Listen up, folks!" Biden said abruptly. "We've got a serious problem to deal with, and I need all my top fellas and broads involved. We're going to meet in the Situation Room, which is in a location someone will have to show me. We're going to enjoy some chocolate chip ice cream and have some small talk about the weather if you get what I mean. Now, let's go. Harbinsargindarbit!"
Though some suspicion arose as to the subject matter of the top-secret meeting, sources within the White House stressed that it was about the weather and only about the weather. "They're talking about the weather," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is a history-making gay, black woman. "And as they discuss the weather in a very relaxed, laid-back way, the weather will be the only thing talked about. Nothing else. That's all. It's just a normal weather conversation among the most senior members of the executive branch of government."
After announcing the meeting, Biden was reportedly led away by the arm in the direction of the Situation Room as another aide put on his bib before he could enjoy his ice cream.
At publishing time, Biden was scheduled to board Air Force One to make an urgent overseas trip to Ukraine to meet with President Zelensky and several oligarch money launderers about the weather.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
