WASHINGTON, D.C. — A growing number of progressives are requesting amnesty for extreme COVID policies that shattered countless lives, claiming it was in ignorance. This has prompted President Biden to also ask for amnesty for everything that happened during his first 2 years as President.
"We need to forgive each other for what we said to each other during COVID," said President Biden. "We also need to let bygones be bygones when it comes to how I handled COVID, mandated vaccines, pulled out of Afghanistan, made gas prices soar, caused massive inflation, made taxpayers foot the bill for student loans, allowed a war to start with Russia, got us on track for nuclear armageddon, printed money like there's no tomorrow and sent it all to Ukraine, and weaponized the FBI against my political enemies."
"I need amnesty for all those things, folks. C'mon man, it's not hard! Let's live and let live here," continued Joe Biden. "I also need amnesty for cussing out Peter Doocey, selling strategic military reserve oil to China, working shady deals and setting my son up with Burisma, not spending enough time and not raising Hunter right, all the racist things I've said, all the women I've sexually assaulted, and all the hair I've sniffed, and elections I've rigged."
According to sources, Biden remains frustrated that everyone is so stuck in the past and chooses to judge him based on his entire career, especially the past two years as President. "That's the past, Jack! I'm focusing on today and you should too!" said Biden. "Back then we were all in the dark and said and did things we didn't mean. So I forgive you, now you just gotta return the favor for ol' Joey."
At publishing time, Biden was once again asking the American people for amnesty, but this time it was because he may or may not have sold all of the U.S. to Xi Jinping.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
