BURLINGTON, VT—In a move that will come as no surprise to anyone following his failing campaign, Democratic presidential primary candidate Bernie Sanders has dropped out, announcing he wants to spend time with his many, many houses.
“It just seemed silly to spend all this time campaigning when I’m neglecting my many houses,” Sanders explained to his supporters. “I’ve made a huge profit pushing socialism and amassed much real estate, and it’s time I enjoy it.”
While his supporters were disappointed, most seemed to understand. “He’s ineffectually pushed socialism for decades,” said campaign worker Trevor Ball. “Now it’s finally hit big, and it’s time for him to enjoy his payday. That’s the best we all hope for from socialism.”
Now that Bernie Sanders has dropped out, he’s endorsed Donald Trump, whom he refers to as an “idol,” and says he hopes to buy many more houses so he can have a real estate empire just like Trump.
"My sprawling real estate empire simply deserves my full time and attention."