PARIS—Well, seems there was a bit of bad luck in the Notre Dame fire last week. While most of the relics, artwork, and idols were saved, one thing didn't survive: all the Catholic Church's meticulous records on its ongoing sex abuse scandals.
Pope Francis had reportedly just transferred the files to Notre Dame for safekeeping just days before the fire broke out.
"Oh well," Pope Francis said, shrugging. "How were we supposed to know it was going to burst into flames? We thought the Notre Dame cathedral would be the safest place for them."
The files were placed in the most flammable parts of the building hours before it caught fire, unfortunately. Several volunteers attempted to pull the files out of the fire, but Catholic Church officials sent them away, telling them not to risk their lives for them.
"It was a judgment call, but we care more about people's lives than the important work of bringing down sex offenders," one cardinal said. "Tough choice, but what are you gonna do."
At publishing time, the Pope had confirmed that all the files were also accidentally doused with lighter fluid just before the fire hit.