LOS ANGELES, CA - Washington Post multimedia tech journalist Taylor Lorenz called out conservatives for bad faith criticism after she stepped on a garden rake, hitting herself in the face.
"Bad-faith right-wing actors have sabotaged me again!" she cried after her face was comically smacked by a garden rake. "Help, I'm being attacked just for being a journalist!"
Lorenz was reportedly enjoying a morning stroll while stalking a family of conservatives who thought Biden's policies were "problematic." She was planning to expose them when the rake seemingly jumped out of nowhere to threaten her life.
When authorities arrived on the scene she lambasted them for attempting to destroy her credibility.
"Stop pointing out the dumb things I do! You're an Ultra-MAGA actor working to undermine my important work!" she told a paramedic. "You need to educate yourself on Russian disinformation and racist dog whistles!"
Tucker Carlson was able to obtain CCTV footage of the incident and played it repeatedly on his program. Lorenz reportedly filed a cease and desist order which claimed Carlson was taking the clip out of its grander context. This prompted Carlson to read the cease and desist letter on air and laugh until he cried.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
