PORTLAND, OR — Local residents were greeted Saturday morning by an atheist missionary who politely asked if they had a few moments to talk about nothing.
The missionary, Brent Miller, was part of a new outreach program dedicated to spreading the "Good News" that there is actually no news, no plan, and definitely no God.
"Excuse me, sir," Miller said to a man mowing his lawn. "If you were to die tonight, are you certain that you would simply cease to exist and be forgotten by a cold, indifferent universe? Do you have the peace that comes from knowing your life is a statistical accident?"
According to Miller, his mission was to provide "hope-crushing clarity" to those burdened by the belief in an afterlife. He carried a bag filled with pamphlets titled Why Your Suffering is Random and The Comfort of Eternal Non-Existence.
"Most people are living in fear that their actions have ultimate meaning," Miller explained while wiping sweat from his brow. "I'm here to tell them they can relax. Whether you're a saint or a serial killer, you're both headed for the same blackness of nothing at the end of your life. Isn't that inspiring?"
At publishing time, Miller was seen being chased off a porch after trying to comfort a grieving widow by explaining that her late husband was currently nothing more than a highly inefficient fertilizer.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn't doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee's Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
