NEW YORK CITY — Sources close to Gary Bard say that the long-time atheist is looking forward to the warmth and cheer of arbitrary cultural traditions with no transcendent meaning again this year.
According to Bard, celebrating meaningless social constructs with no ultimate value beyond present feelings of satisfaction and joy every December is one of his favorite parts of the year.
"I'm just so happy that I get to soak up all the decorations put up to celebrate nothing, really, if you think about it," Bard said, turning a candy cane around so as not to make it look like a 'J.' "The shopping season is one of my personal highlights every year, because I get to remember how ultimately useless this finite material existence really is. Happy holidays, everyone!"
According to family, Bard likes to commemorate the days leading up to a random, chance-selected day in December by writing a series of daily reflections on how all that exists are random particles in space having fruitless interactions for no apparent reason whatsoever.
"It helps him stay grounded," said his mom.
At publishing time, Bard had been deeply moved by the total uselessness of human life and existence in general after a lovely evening spent roasting chestnuts by the fire with his family.
Get your husband's attention!
