RALEIGH, NC—After minutes of extensive research reading a couple of blogs and listening to a podcast or two, local man Chaz Prindle has discovered that Jesus would have all the same political positions he does if he were on Earth today.
"Honestly, I'm not surprised at all by this," said Prindle. "The politicians and media figures I listen to have always told me that the political positions I hold are compassionate and loving, just like Jesus was. If only more Christians realized this and were more like me."
Prindle then sauntered over to a street corner to thank the Lord that he was more enlightened than other Christians who disagreed with him on political issues.
According to the most reliable sources, Jesus is a highly-respected historical figure who can be repurposed to act as a figurehead for whatever social issues you care about. He also thinks you're pretty great and wishes other people "just got it" the way you do.
Prindle says he looks forward to not changing anything about himself or his beliefs for the rest of his life so he can someday stand before Jesus and hear him say "thank you for being so awesome."
"Jesus is honestly so lucky to have me," he said.