WORLD — According to sources, the nations of the world have agreed to retire their existing military aircraft and return to WWII-era planes in an effort to make dogfights way cooler.
World leaders met over the weekend in Geneva to discuss how air combat had gotten "very samey" and "boring" and to work out the terms of a binding treaty which would require only the use of cool WWII-era planes going forward.
"Everything's all Top Gun now, and it's a little sad to tell you the truth," said President Donald Trump. "It's a good movie, believe me, but only because of the volleyball. I love volleyball. The best people play volleyball. But the flying? It's too easy now. You press a button and a missile hits a little blip off in the distance. There's no intimacy. Not like there is between Maverick and Goose. That poor guy. Wow. Hit his head on the canopy when he ejected. Very sad. Ejecting is supposed to save your life, not end it. Just terrible. Wow."
According to war experts, WWII dogfights had a romantic quality that was no longer possible with the F-35 and other modern aircraft. Experts agreed that there really is nothing quite like being bounced by a gaggle of 109s that had been hiding in the sun's glare while flying top cover over a box of B-17s.
Even Putin agreed to retire his Sukhois and MiGs, longing for the days a Yak-3 could hose the Luftwaffe with a 20mm ShVAK cannon. "It was a simpler time," said Putin. "We will go back."
Middle Eastern countries were even quicker to get on board given that the quality of their aircraft was only marginally better than a WWII-era dogfighter.
At publishing time, new U.S. Air Force guidelines were introduced to encourage incoming pilots to shout "Pew pew pew!" when they shot at enemy planes.
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