Aides Sprinkle Hair Along Path So Biden Will Go The Right Direction
Politics · Sep 30, 2022 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Aides are scrambling to keep the President on track without wandering off stage and getting lost again on national television. To combat this, Biden's handlers have resorted to laying down a trail of women's hair on the ground for Biden to sniff and follow.

"We're at our wits end here," said one of the President‘s aides, Kelby Jacobs. "Every time he goes out in public he's either looking for dead people, shaking hands with ghosts, uncomfortably sniffing women and children, or wandering off into the distance."

According to sources at a recent event where the President spoke, the trail of hair worked like a charm. Instead of Biden exiting the stage from the opposite intended direction and wandering out into the crowd, the President spotted the hair trail and began sniffing and following it as planned.

"Sure it‘s a little unusual-looking having Biden bend over every couple of steps to get a whiff of hair, but it sure beats the secret service security nightmare we had before," said Presidential aide Garett Jenkins. "And now it even stops Republicans from pouncing and saying he doesn't know where he's going!"

At publishing time, the President‘s aides were fitting Biden with a shock collar to prevent him from taking unapproved questions.

Babylon Bee subscriber Disidente Redactico contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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