WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a fiery hearing on Capitol Hill today, a visibly angry Dr. Fauci demanded Congressmen questioning him address him by his proper title: "The Science."
The confrontation reached a boiling point after Marjorie Taylor Greene flippantly referred to Fauci by his informal title: "little elf-lookin' guy who murdered everyone with COVID."
"I did not come to this hearing to be disrespected like this," said Fauci, shaking uncontrollably. "I demand you refer to me with the appropriate reverence. I am The Science. I will also accept His Holiness, Your Grace, or Death, Destroyer Of Worlds. And I don't look like an elf. I am well over 5 feet, 6 inches. How dare you."
During the hearing, as Congress demanded answers for Dr. Fauci's part in the funding and creation of COVID-19 in a Wuhan lab, The Science grew increasingly flustered, saying the American people should be more grateful for his work in killing millions with COVID and then spending 2 years making everyone wear masks, social distance, and get an untested gene therapy treatment. "I am SCIENCE!" he cried. "Love me! Worship me! Be grateful, mortals!"
Marjorie Taylor Greene then responded by calling Fauci a "Psycho Murder Midget" and the "Wee Warden of Wuhan."
At publishing time, Fauci had gone to sleep crying on a bed of $100 bills.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
