Brought to you by:

It's tough to find a good Christian spouse these days! Don't worry-- the experts at The Babylon Bee are here to help. We recommend trying some of the tried and true, old-fashioned ways of meeting a godly man or Proverbs 31 woman:

1. Hang out at the soda shop on Saturday nights: This way you'll find eligible Christian youngsters who aren't out drinking the Devil's liquor. Wear your Sunday best and turn on the jukebox! 

2. List your desired qualities for your future spouse in a classified ad: Studies show that most hot Christian singles faithfully read hard copies of the local paper. Take out an ad listing what you're looking for and they'll flock like flies to honey! 

3. Find everlasting love in just one week at church camp: The wilderness trials of church camp are the surest foundation for a lasting relationship. Once you meet "the one," we recommend getting married before the end of the week. 

4. Tell them they are a well-put-together specimen who would make a suitable mate during the planting and harvest seasons: This will tap into every Christian single's primal urges to recreate Little House on the Prairie. Works every time. 

5. Go to Subway and see who makes the best sandwich: Bring a stopwatch and take notes. 

6. Volunteer to mow the lawn, with your shirt off: Get started just as everyone is leaving after Sunday service. This technique is for men only, you sinner. 

7. Bonk them on the head with a club: This is the most old-fashioned method, and as far as we can tell, the most effective. All the Babylon Bee writers got their spouses this way.

It's not too late! Get out there and find someone! 

NOT SATIRE: ChristianCafe.com has been successfully connecting Christian singles since 1999. Over 25,000 marriages have resulted! Come be our next success story!

Sign up for your 10-day trial, where you can communicate absolutely FREE with our exciting singles.

Could your perfect match be waiting? Join right now and find out!