NEW YORK, NY — After the firing of longtime contributor Scott Pelley due to ongoing conflicts with producers, the long-running CBS News program 60 Minutes began its search for a new pompous blowhard.
Pelley's abrupt departure reportedly left the show shorthanded, leading producers and CBS executives to launch an immediate search to fill the void of an arrogant, disingenuous windbag the show needed to maintain its brand.
"The show wouldn't be the same without at least one arrogant windbag," said Executive Producer Nick Bilton. "Now that we've parted ways with Scott, it's important for us to fill his role as quickly as possible. That's why we're already on the lookout for our next smug jerk. Thankfully, the news media is full of them, so we don't think it will take long to find what we're looking for."
Though the loss of Pelley left behind a large hole in the area of pretentious goofs, network executives remained confident that the program would be able to uphold its responsibility to provide stuffy, biased journalism. "Scott Pelley or no Scott Pelley, it'll always be 60 Minutes," Bilton said. "CBS has spent nearly a century cultivating a hard-earned reputation of featuring pompous blowhards. We're entering a new chapter, but viewers can be certain that we'll find someone who will make them roll their eyes on a weekly basis, just like always."
At publishing time, CBS News announced that the role of pompous blowhard on 60 Minutes would be filled by Stephen Colbert.
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