ST. LOUIS, MO — Authorities have confirmed multiple fatalities at a local Target store early this morning as three moms were killed in a massive brawl over the last remaining Valentine's Day themed Stanley Tumbler.
Witnesses described the horrible scene as painted red with blood, body parts, and adorable limited-edition, cherry-hued tumblers.
"The fatal confrontation occurred when multiple moms grabbed for the last remaining 73-ounce light travel-size tumbler," said Chief of Police Bernie Smoolen, "Within moments dozens of moms had entered the fray, wielding the tumblers like sledgehammers in one hand and taking videos for their Instagrams in the other."
The day-shift manager of the Target store choked up when describing the security footage as difficult to watch, "It was a Valentine's Day-themed massacre. Some tumblers did not survive the incident and will never know the joy of tipping over incessantly when fully filled or fetching egregious prices on eBay."
In response to the deadly incident, Stanley Corporation issued a press release expressing condolences to the grieving families and reminded customers about the charming St. Patrick's Day themed tumblers coming exclusively to Walmart stores in March.
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