FARMINGTON HILLS, MI — It only took 15 seconds for Thursday evening's "Unite For America" open forum with Kamala Harris to change Opray Winfrey's mind and lead her to endorse Donald Trump.
"I kept thinking, this can't be real life," Winfrey told her best friend, Gayle King, following the star-studded event. "She might actually be retarded."
Harris, who was reportedly enthused about attending the forum since it was a safe space full of political allies who wouldn't ask her tough questions or press her on her answers, still refused to answer questions anyway.
"You know, greens? And grits and — you know, the meat. You gotta' have meat," Harris cackled while answering a question from Jennifer Lopez. "My grandma always said 'If you don't eat, you're gonna get beat' — HAHAHA — and that's why it's important to feel united here at this event, which is, when you think about it, called 'Unite For America.' Think about those words. No, think about them. Unite. We are united. Together. Like X-Men 2, which was also called X-Men United. But think about it. They weren't united, were they? They allied with Magneto and then found out — big surprise — he betrayed them at the last minute. Because he only thinks about himself. Just like Donald Trump."
"And that's how I'll fix the economy."
Viewers were astonished when Winfrey suddenly donned a MAGA hat during the event, though Harris did not appear to notice.
At publishing time, Oprah Winfrey announced that everyone in attendance would receive a free MAGA hat before shouting "Let's make America great agaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiin!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
