President Donald Trump announced this week that he was reinstating the Presidential Fitness Test to evaluate the physical health of America's public school students.
To prepare the nation's youth, the White House has released the following list of updated physical challenges:
Bullet Dodging: An essential life skill for the modern era, especially if you aspire to run for office as a Republican.
The Alternating YMCA Double-Fist Pump: The kids learn exercise and the greatest dance ever invented.
Strait of Hormuz Swim: Extra credit given out for anyone who finds a mine.
Big Mac Curls: One 7.6-ounce Big Mac in each hand. Consuming them during the workout is a great source of protein.
Weighted Thumb Stretches: Having strong thumbs is vital, both for thumbs-up photo ops and being quick to make sick burns with late-night social media posts later in life.
Catch the Immigrant. This ICE-inspired exercise will see kids attempt to chase down and subdue delinquent MS-13 gang members.
Wrestling RFK Jr.: Each child will be required to survive three minutes in the ring with the HHS Secretary.
Hitting the green with a 50-yard bunker shot: There is no greater test of physical and mental excellence.
Mitch McConnell Deadlift. Don't worry, kids, he'll hold strangely still the entire time.
Mandatory Winning: No failing allowed. Losers will be deported.
Judging by the looks of that test, American kids will be fit in no time. The fittest in the world. Many people are saying so. What else should Trump add to the test? Post your suggestions in the comments.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni's visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he's about to become a dad.
