BOSTON, MA — A frantic Harvard student realized this week he'd been so busy harassing Jewish students on campus that he'd forgotten to write his final term paper on the importance of inclusion.
"Oh, man! I was so busy painting ‘Death to Jews' on the doors to the Ethics and Inclusion department that I totally forgot to write my big term paper on how essential inclusion and tolerance are to our society!" Harvard student Todd Davies told reporters. "I mean, with all the hate directed at DEI programs these days, writing a paper about the need to be inclusive was a top priority for me but I totally forgot to do it after spending two solid days chanting ‘From The River To The Sea Kill All The Jews' in the courtyard."
Sources say Davies isn't the only one, with hundreds of students reporting difficulties in keeping up with their studies due to around-the-clock intifada.
"America was founded on white supremacy and probably some sort of Jewish conspiracy to take over our banks and rule our entertainment industry," Davies said. "I want to speak for all marginalized groups, like the hundreds of millions of Muslims in the world who need more territory to live in. Free Palestine!"
As of publishing time, Davies' professor had given him an A+ for turning in a paper that just had "GLOBALIZE THE INTIFADA" written in all caps 4,000 times.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
